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No matter what stage of life you’re in, having friends will always be of importance. However, when your friendships fail to go below the surface, it can make you feel as if you don’t have any friends at all. You might also be lonely, as it can feel like no one really knows you. Moving past surface-level friendships and into deep emotional bonds is possible, and you might be surprised to learn that many of your friends are probably craving this just as much as you are. In this article, we’ll cover what a surface-level friendship is and explore how you can nurture stronger, closer relationships with those you care for.
What Are Surface-Level Friendships?
Surface-level friendships are those that lack depth and closeness. When you have a surface-level friendship, the topics you discuss may be casual and lack detail. You might talk about the weather, what’s keeping you busy in life, what plans you have coming up, what you ate that day, or your favorite sports team or music artist. These subjects don’t reveal much about a person beyond their interests or personality and they don’t leave room for learning more.
Steps For Building Stronger Bonds With Your Friends
Moving beyond the surface level in a friendship requires a delicate balance of patience and risk. You don’t want to take things too quickly, but you also don’t want to be complacent in forging a deeper bond. Here are some steps you can take to help you during this process:
- Ask questions: As you try to learn more about someone and deepen your friendship with them, it can be helpful to ask questions. While it’s vital that your questions have depth to them, you also don’t want to make your friend uncomfortable. To prevent discomfort, try building your way up to more vulnerable questions over time. If you need a list of questions to get to know someone, try performing a quick internet search for ideas.
- Be vulnerable: Vulnerability can be essential to a deep relationship, as it’s the very opposite of shallowness. When you’re able to share your thoughts and feelings openly without having to have your guard up, it can promote a sense of trust and encourage your friends to do the same with you. Vulnerability breeds vulnerability, but you may have to be brave and take the first, hoping your friend will follow.
- Communicate: Regular communication can be key to staying close to someone as well as forming a deeper bond. However, this doesn’t mean that you have to be texting or talking on the phone every minute of the day. Rather, it means that you put in effort to keep up with the other person’s life, respect their time by communicating when you’re running late to meet up with them or need to cancel, and take the time to send a quick message or note when you know your friend is going through something difficult. Being consistent can help create a foundation on which a stronger bond can be built.
- Show respect: Respecting your friend’s time, boundaries, and space can show your genuine concern for their well-being and contribute to the development of a healthy, strong bond. When people have mutual respect, they trust that the other person won’t try to intentionally hurt them and will be there through the good times and the bad. Respect also gives each person autonomy over their lives and helps both parties learn how to accept one another as they are instead of trying to change each other.
- Establish trust: Without trust, it’s difficult to develop deeper friendships, as trust is what allows people to be open and vulnerable with one another. Establishing trust in a friendship entails not sharing the details of private conversations with other people, keeping your word, being honest, and admitting when you made a mistake. Trust is often built over time and requires patience and persistence. If broken, it can take a while to repair.
- Practice active listening: While communication is critical to a deep friendship, so are listening skills. Active listening involves staying fully present in the conversation and hearing the other person out not simply to respond, but to understand. When you practice active listening, it’s important to provide feedback to show you’re paying attention and trying to grasp what they’re saying. A friend is more likely to share something vulnerable with you if they know you’re invested in the conversation and genuinely care.
- Make quality time a priority: Quality time means giving someone your full, undivided attention and removing any distractions such as your phone. Making time for your friends can help ensure that they don’t feel rushed or feel like a burden on your time. Establishing this sense of safety and comfort can allow them to open up to you if they need to, sharing whatever may be on their mind.
Not only is every friendship unique, but there are also varying types of friends—each of which can serve a distinct purpose in your life. For example, you may have classmates, coworkers, best friends, or teammates, and each of these friends can offer something different. Keeping this in mind can allow you to appreciate what each friend brings to your life.
Conclusion
Having friends is crucial, but when your friendships are surface-level, you may feel like something is missing from your life. Having people who you’re comfortable with and who know the real you can be essential to your health and happiness. Nurturing deeper friendships takes time and patience, but the effort is often worth it. So, even if you have to step outside of your comfort zone, remember that temporary discomfort may reap years of a close, rewarding friendship.
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